J.Thurman – Author, Power Speaker, Coach

In the Jill Scott case she acted prudently and appropriately. You must fire your haters and trust me your haters can even be your “yes men/women around you. You have haters in your bed, life and thoughts and they must be terminated promptly. Once they serve their purpose in your life they have got to go. One of the challenges most people have is keeping their haters around past their expiration date. After you have accomplished said goal that you set out to obtain, you have to let your haters go. Our fear of not being liked paralyzes us from doing what is right for us. The hater in our bed, lives and thoughts are not right for us and need to be disposed of expeditiously. Our energy is being devoured because we do not know the proper way to terminate our haters after they have out lived there purpose.

Top Ten Tips To Fire Your Haters:    

1. Be clear about duties when an employee is hired. They are there to motivate you and assist you to get to that next level of achievement.
2. Be sure to set a timeline. Make a concentrated effort before you unleash your hater that you set a time line and stick to it. This keeps you goal orientated to stay on task. If you have a great hater working for you they will be working 24/7 to hate on you. You have to match their intensity with that much more effort to get accomplished what they have said you could not get done.
3. Discuss with employees any behavior that is immediate grounds for termination. Don’t wait until behavior is already occurring. Be sure that all haters understand firing offenses, such as not staying on the job. They are there to motivate you non-stop until you have completed the task at hand.

 4. Your reason for dismissing your hater should always be a legitimate one and based off the terms of agreement. Any problems you experience with the person in question should be documented and it is a good idea to make them aware that you have some issues with their work.

 (Warning: Your hater may pose as a friend to distract you and then strike. Know what they are at the Core and stay focused. They are not misunderstood souls or people that you can save at all.)

 5. You should give the employee verbal and written warnings outlining exactly what they should do in order ensure that they are working to the level you require.   This will guarantee that they are aware of your problems and will give them a chance to rectify their mistakes. This may not happen because a hater by nature is always busy, but just in case keep a record.

 6. If the problems persist, you now know that you have more of a written case to support your claims. The employee is aware that they are not up to snuff and the pressure is now on them to amend their behavior or quality of work. Grounds for immediate termination should be outlined and documented.

 7. Maintain a professional relationship. Keep your haters close to make sure that whatever they say you cannot do that is the very thing that you should be working on. If they say you cannot get that job your focus should be on “The 5 P’s” to obtain that career etcetera. Especially, when they say you can’t have a healthy loving relationship put a plan in place to obtain a loving relationship. Move to attract to kind of love you want. Visualize the kind of feelings you want and then visualize peace in all relationships you have. If you cannot see it nor do it just says all of the things that are not and reverse them. Replace all negative statements with affirmative statements in every thought until it is a habit.  Be the change you want in someone else, first! You should know why your hater is there at all times. Your dress, speech, and cooperative nature should always be reflective of a professional positive manner.

 8. Give notice to your hater: You should be near completion of your goal list that you haters have given you. This also keeps you on task with your timeline. Let them know that there time of service is almost over and appraise their performance. This ensures that everything they said you could not accomplish got done. The assessment is more for you than your hater.

 9. Always remain calm: Remember they are helping you. They are doing you a favor. Be a professional! When incited to act out, know that they are offering you an opportunity to transmute that mild discomfort you feel in your chest into energy to get your goal done faster in a more effective way.

 10. Exit interview: Make sure that they relinquish your property if on hand, if not, always chalk it up as a loss. WRITE IT OFF ON YOUR TAXES! Remember most haters are looking for devious ways to cling on to you even though their time and usefulness is up. They can only do one thing right which is hate so remember that. They are parasites! Parasites can cleanse and heal, but when they have done their job they must be removed or death may occur. They can be crafty so be careful! Do not allow your E.G.O. (Exercising your Genius Obnoxiously) blind you. Don’t waste time trying to teach or preach to them. Do not listen to their sob stories. You are running the business of you and business is Great. However, if this is too emotional for you send them an email. Make sure that you use various haters for future projects. You will need different styles to make you unbreakable and a master of your fate.

Be swift and forceful in your approach. You are the boss, not them, they are assisting you in develop and organize your plans. Your goal is to practice transmuting their hate into motivation and keep you on task. Capitalize your opportunities to maximize your potential and develop your imaginative qualities to grow and exceed average. Your hater has a purpose and when that purpose is over than, “They Must Go So You Can Grow”.     

Make no mistake about it there is an art of assumption, especially when it comes to intimate relationships and it is violated in the most egregious manner daily.  The Art of Assumption when it comes to relationships and titles is one of the most controversial topics among men and women. And it is a controversial topic for a lot of people because of the stereotypical gender roles it brings to the forefront and the struggle for clarity in the dark and murky waters of relationships. It brings the pre-disposed concepts of how each role is “supposed to act” out their role in the relationship.  When does the relationship start and when do titles come into play. What is the timeline? Is there a timeline? Does sex automatically put the title in place?

Women need titles and men are indifferent as a whole to the issue until it is too late. The natural law of assumption is that when two people date and/or have sex they are boy/girlfriend, right? We as a culture have adopted so-called natural assumptions when it comes down to relationships and one of those assumptions is that there must be a well defined title for both parties involved.  We need the name brand to define us because it is the brand that secures our social and personal status. This is the nasty truth for a lot of us. It is the brand name that for some reason enhances the quality and texture; which enhances the worth and even the self-worth of the owner. It is a symbol of opulence and status in society, but at the same time negating the true value. When it is all said and done the reality is that it is all made in China anyway.

 Our relationship norms have become relationship policies and the first policy dictates that give a nomenclature to your involvement with one another. You have to know which direction you’re going, right? We live in a world were the words boy/girlfriend or spouse must to immediately follow their names after the introduction to friends/or colleagues commences or consequences ensue.  

We assume that titles go along with the territory in relationships, but many of us have been someone’s boy/girlfriend for period of time and did not even know it.  Many of us are in relationships and do not know even as you read these words right now. The Art of Assumption dictates that the insinuated and the unspoken become the basis of any relationship, because “you’re just supposed to know you’re my man or woman I am not supposed to tell you-right”?

Our roles in relationships change and as the responsibilities in the relationship increase our personal stake does as well. As we establish a more dynamic role in the relationship it becomes more personal, we become vested in the situation because we have more to be accountable for it. As the titles evolve from casual to formal people personalize the feelings, safety and progression of that other person involved. Great! That’s what women are thinking. Not all men think in those terms they are open with the whole title manifesto that leaves room for interpretation so they can have their escape clause to get out. This is why men feast off what women do not say. 

Note that the above statements work both ways. In these days and times women crave to have the same autonomic liberties as men when it comes to relationships.  Women want the option to personalize their relationship or not to. What a shocking and surprising revelation for a woman or man to be introduced as someone’s boy/girlfriend or even fiancée especially when the two have not even discussed it.  It can also backfire and reveal the true nature of your relationship.  And for a lot of couples that is the last thing they want to happen because confrontation follows suit.

It is the Art of Assumption that gives you the excuse and right to be assertive in claiming your mate without their knowledge or consent. I mean who in the hell wants to be rejected in front of the person they are attaching the title to, so why ask them, hence the secret proclamation and then the public declaration.

(Note to the reader always break up in a public place.)

The Art of Assumption is the perfect tool for people who are vested in a relationship who want to magically create the terms and conditions all without opening your mouth. We assume because we have been dating for a while that…. We assume that because I met his/her parents and friends that….. We naturally assume that because we had sex that…. Or we assume that because I have spent this amount of money that…

A person that is skill in using the Art of Assumption can create a relationship in their heads so fantastic that the person they are dating will actually believe that they themselves took part in proposing, negotiating terms and agreeing to all titles, deeds and claims. The Art of Assumption does the work for you.  

To label or not to label, that is the question. We live now for the right to label title or define our relationships as we see fit, we just need to let the other person in on the news updates when they happen. At the end of the day, it is the ultimate self- deception to think that titles mean anything more than ceremonial tradition and outdated norms. They do not guarantee a lock.  It is the work together that validates purpose not titles and not assumption but ownership of the verb that is real L.O.V.E. In this way you won’t make an ASS out of U or ME again.

What if you had a move-in ready special on a relationship, would you move in? I don’t mean move into the physical space like a house or condo, but move into the ideal relationship. I was having a conversation with a friend who asked me if I had the idea woman, free from the trappings that deter most men from full participation, DRAMA, would I be ready to move-in. so to speak.

I immediately started inquiring about what conditions this move-in special would include; what my options to upgrade were and what the living conditions would be like. Would there be have any amenities offered outside of the basic package? In essence, I was I trying to see if I was to getting more “BANG for my BUCK?” She then explained that she was talking about the actual relationship and not living together and I told her, so was I. She looked querulously and then she asked me to explain myself and, so here is what came from it.

I got the gist of what she was saying, but there was something missing.  There was no reciprocity. Her move-in ready relationship was based purely on what she had to offer. What if the furniture was not my style? Specials usually expire and then you have to start paying the regular price. She suggested that most men would love a situation where they meet a single professional woman who is self sustained (pays for her own upkeep and bills) and who is willing the embrace a man as he is, openly and honestly. I believe that to be true more in theory than principle.

 I welcome all good things and if you ask me I would accept based on the terms that we agree upon together. I liken the experience to moving into another person’s living space to explain that the criteria’s parallel.  Do you have a check list (a literal check list not a figurative one) on what you are looking for?  The list is based in these realities: safety, convenience and price, especially price. How much square footage is comfortable for you? How much space do you need to maintain your individuality, autonomy and personal expression?

Security is just as important for men as it is for women both financially and emotionally.  Convenience means having the accessibility to every amenity offered with the move-in special readily available.  The price may be a small or large free will offering to show your appreciation for such a great deal, but there will be a price. With any agreement both parties are responsible for keeping their end of the bargain. Then the question becomes can you pay the price on time, consistently.

The price should be negotiated and agreed, first. I want to emphasize that point, because with the proposal that my friend proffered she never mentions a mutual agreement verbally.  A lot of times these move-in specials are offer to men who just cannot meet the obligations of the deal. It could be because the interview process was flawed or maybe because of the unpredictable nature of human beings. If you ask me it is the flaw in thinking that you can provide the so-called “perfect” situation and expect to dictate human behavior.  

From this perspective I could make a faster decision based on what I knew about the upkeep and occupancy turnover rate. Really she was not selling the move-in specials she was selling the “I’m a good woman why can’t the man I want see that” pitch. That pitch, no matter how you disguise it, is the root of all evils that the so-called “good women” out there suffer from.

Amazingly, the presentation that she put together was interesting and included everything but a laser show. She was not directly directing the move-in special to me, but it was a creative and enticing proposal. In short, an experienced beautiful woman, well traveled, open-minded, and good company, chemically balanced and she pays the check. Just what the doctor ordered-right? 

The fact of the matter is the move-in ready special can work when you reprogram your thoughts to making it work. We create our self-fulfilling prophecy, rather if we create a wondrous vision of utopia or an apocalyptic version of Dante’s Inferno; we tend to go along with it either way.  Do you choose to take advantage of the move-in special? Or do you choose skepticism and over caution? You could either chose to build around a mindset that is open and willing to give you the keys to the kingdom. Or you could speculate in idle wanting something to be wrong.

What would you do?

Bullies

Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Ladies, never again will you allow any man, friend, associate, family or stranger to Bully you because you are afraid of confrontation which means “DECISIVE ACTION” or brainwashed into thinking you’re being nice when you’re “Inner G” is being compromised. Stop masquerading compromise when all it really means, is SURRENDER.

Are you being bullied in your relationships? Usually the person being bullied doesn’t even know it. Most bullying techniques are so subtle that unless that person practices psychic self-defense they would never know. Are you being lead to do things and say thing because of guilt and the fear of not being liked. Subtle bullying is deals with emotional manipulation and that persons being bullied wanting to be dismissive or wanting to be like. A person who seeks acceptance seeks to be bullied. Our apathy to act and be decisive in our action to say “no” when it is necessary causes that fraction of a second for someone to bully you. Television and advertisers bully you through their programming. You think that television was designed to broadcast your favorite programs, but in reality television was created to broadcast advertisements aka commercials for your favorite products and services. Never forget it is the sponsors that control the networks. They in turn use programs to program you to purchase their goods and services this is a form of bullying your pleasure pathways. Have you ever got angry when your favorite program went to a commercial break-of course you have. They are bullying you into purchasing their products and if you do they will keep your program on the air. The image of a school bully twisting your arm until you say uncle should have flashed in your head.

As apathy continued and you just want that bully to release your arm you increase a yearning to be free of confrontation and this is how it starts. This how we learn to be bullied in our relationships we develop tendencies that increase our tolerance that turn into violations against our soul. You can be a tiger at work and come home seeking a release and get bullied by your family, friends even your neighbor. The secret to your relationships is not to be the nicest, because nicest does not fit everyone. Most people distrust nice anyway. It is better to be fair and understand the worth of your time, money and energy. You don’t get bullied when you overstand the concept of self-worth and that it is some people’s mission in life to distract you. When you lack purpose and live for the acceptance of other people you are easily bullied and manipulated. The grossest violation that another person can do to you is to impose their will against you in the name of “what is good for you”. When you are bullied in any relationship you are not respected and the other person believes in their heart that they aren’t doing anything wrong, based off the fact that there was no physical harm done. This is why psychological bullying is so effective. Just because they are oblivious does not mean you have to be.

Your unnecessary compromising will be the death of you. It serves no purpose other than to weakening your decisiveness and makes you a mark for people. Compromising for the sake of compromising exhibits traces of surrender and constant surrender leads to defeat. Image a fake tough guy whose only source of power is your power; now imagine you handing over your power to this fake tough guy every time he or she ask for it. This is what happens when you are being bullied. You will find out that it is always the little request that you have a challenge with and then you will find a flood of small request coming at you. Just like a person can nickel and dime you to death that same person will small request you to death.

There is no better weapon against bullies than decisive action with a focus on clarity and purpose. You can only be bullied if you are indecisive in your expressions and actions. Bullies smell fear, doubt and worry because they know that you will do anything to stop them from twisting your arm. The confrontation that most people have is the confrontation from within them. The only bully that exist doesn’t manifest from a external source, but a internal source that comes from a place that allowed you to believe that the boogie monster once existed in the shadows of your room. The key to disarming a bully is a firm stance and a firm mastery of “NO”. You need not explain your reasons, bullies love to get you talking only to throw you off. Focus! Visualize a successful series of these events and the bullies will vanish just as sure as the boogie man disappears when the light come on. Illuminate your power from within.

Why is it that some men can romance you and stay the same until the end, while others become comfortable and forget about the things they did to get you?

This question, once again, tackles one of the twenty-one questions that women do not ask men. A woman’s priorities when it comes to need versus want become blurred while trying to get to know someone. Food, clothing and shelter and other physiological  needs top of the list when it comes to finding out if a man can provide these things not only for himself, but for the woman he is interested in as well.  I suggest discussing your ideas about love and belonging early in the encounter, so that the person you have an interest in is clear as to what you mean by romance.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs gives a basic starting point to investigation and find out how something like romance exists in the mind, of not only men, but women as well. Maslow uses the concept of love and belonging and says that if these terms are applied to a person’s life the individual can live a more balance life. That person can live free from the deprivation that takes its toll on the whole body by not having a sense of belonging or acceptance. From my perspective romance provides the space in a person’s life to offer good love and a deep sense of connecting causing a person to feel accepted internally and externally.

The under layers of human needs like a sense of belonging in a relationship are important, but talking about it often falls off the list of things that must be discussed. Playing detective, which for some women is their favorite sport waste a lot of time, money and energy while spoiling a ripe opportunity to get the sometimes elusive truth from men. Learn when a man is most susceptible to being truthful, then strike.

Most times if a person does not know what romance is, just accepting something that sounds good is good enough? One should never complain when you just accept what somebody gives you, especially when you have ample time to talk about it.  Some men are just professional boyfriends while others are just warm bodies passing off as one. What do you think is romantic and how do you grow it; cultivate it and sustain it? I know that of all the things that move and oscillate in the known universe creativity and imagination can help you concoct the elixir of romance in ample portions. The challenge is having the courage to express it even in a situation where you feel rejection is eminent.  The trick to remember is that your persistence and sincerity makes all things happen.

Try with these basics point to help navigate the conversation:

• Romance entails a since of connection that is deeply and passionately attentive and physically spiritually expressive. If you bargain with this and “settle” for someone that is a good earner, then that is your choice. Look for tendencies in you and in the person you are interested in. Do not assume you can hint guilt or plant a romantic nature into everybody you meet.
• Work out the Intimacy bugs by building a frame together as to what intimacy is. Then build a masterpiece of trust. You will find that most people do not even know what intimacy is and are too egotistic to find out. Only in the end when their significant other craves for it do they find out they cannot fake it any more. By definition intimacy is trust and without this sincere romance is an illusion.
• Friendship is the main ingredient for a successfully consistent romantic experience every time. Subtle nuisances that keep romance fresh come from the basic components of friendship. A person that listens with both ears and humility can stock pile new and fresh information that make the next romantic experience hot and heavy. Friendship or the appearance of friendship creates an environment that allows the other person to say things that they would normally be in reserve to express. This information makes the romantic experience easier and more detailed to the person you are trying to satisfy.
• Connection is vital for a romance. Ask yourself what connects you to that other individual besides primal attraction and if it is just primal, respect that, and know where you stand. A shared sense of adventure or shared sense conservatism, it does not matter whatever it is needs to be drawn out. Find a common thread and start to weave a tapestry that is beautifully unique together. We spend a lot of time avoiding connecting because of our fear and insecurities and in the end it causes us more trouble than it’s worth. Our connection as a human family affects our overall health inside and out. Connection is natural. Having a solid and authentic connection is pure gold and allows everything to flow effortlessly.

With that said you get what you pay attention to. What are you paying attention to?

Rule #4081 Men want women to stay the same (physically& sexually), while women want men to change (intellectually and spiritually). When that change does not happen women realize they have been blindsided by the fact that “he is what he is” and was that way the whole time. You were just under the influence (New-ness, Attractive-ness, Horny-ness, and Might be the one-ness, etc…). Stay Above the Influence!

When it comes to being romantic some men come out with guns blazing and then run out of ammunition, others cliché you to death, but at least they make an attempt. Some do not even try. Romance is purely subjective when it should be objective, more of a personal experience, but if there is no romantic experience to compare it to, then what? Men don’t forget what it took to get you, they simply forget, “YOU”.  Often time people forget each other and depend on the other to uphold the newness that once sparked that special encounter, but that’s another article for another time. They run the term and forget what important, “us” and spend the duration of the time together disrespecting the relationship. They disrespect the love and the sense of belonging that encourages a healthy sense of acceptance. That situation can be corrected, but do not spend your life time doing so.

The guy that doesn’t even try…..well what can you say? Remember the scene in the movie “300” where King Leonidas kicks the messenger of Persia into the endless pit….. I believe you get the picture.  Then they are there are men that are obsessed with pleasing the person they are in a relationships with and romance oozes from their pours. They are natural romantics. These men can’t help it they appreciates their woman and reciprocate naturally.  But no matter what, if having a romantic life is important or unimportant, you can make it happen. Instead of worrying about what someone else is not giving you live with a romantic spirit and all that you want will come. Ladies, remember you get what you pay for, rather it be a pair of Manolo Blahnik five inch heels or a man that cannot warm your side of the bed, you choose.